Dear Lesbian Singer-Songwriter,
I am a successful businessman in a small Midwestern town. Though I appear to have everything one could wish for, privately, my life is coming apart. My marriage is dissolving, and I feel unable to ask anyone for help. The problem is that I am unable to satisfy my wife . . . maritally. Can you offer me any tips or tricks? My wife suggested I might ask one of your colleagues; she seemed to know have heard of you in her college days.
-Behind the Wheel, but Unable to Drive

Dear BWUD,

In situations like these, it can be helpful to use both hands. Oh, no, don't close your eyes. Try writing graffiti on her body and drawing the story of how hard you have tried. When you are watching her chest rise and fall (like the tides of her life and the rest of it all), consider that her bones have been my bedframe and her flesh has been my pillow. I am waiting for sleep to offer up the deep with both hands.

In each other's shadows we grew less and less tall and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all. I am recording our history now on the bedroom wall, and eventually the landlord will come and paint over it all. I am walking out in the rain, and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again, and I am getting nowhere with you, and I can't let it go, and I can't get though.

Yours, nostalgically,
Lesbian Singer-Songwriter

p.s. Say hi to Stacy for me.