Dear Lesbian Singer-Songwriter,
I am a successful businessman in a small Midwestern town. Though I appear to have everything one could wish for, privately, my life is coming apart. My marriage is dissolving, and I feel unable to ask anyone for help. The problem is that I am unable to satisfy my wife . . . maritally. Can you offer me any tips or tricks? My wife suggested I might ask one of your colleagues; she seemed to know have heard of you in her college days.
-Behind the Wheel, but Unable to Drive

Dear BWUD,

In situations like these, it can be helpful to use both hands. Oh, no, don't close your eyes. Try writing graffiti on her body and drawing the story of how hard you have tried. When you are watching her chest rise and fall (like the tides of her life and the rest of it all), consider that her bones have been my bedframe and her flesh has been my pillow. I am waiting for sleep to offer up the deep with both hands.

In each other's shadows we grew less and less tall and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all. I am recording our history now on the bedroom wall, and eventually the landlord will come and paint over it all. I am walking out in the rain, and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again, and I am getting nowhere with you, and I can't let it go, and I can't get though.

Yours, nostalgically,
Lesbian Singer-Songwriter

p.s. Say hi to Stacy for me.

Dear Lesbian Singer-Songwriter,

I am writing to you from deep within a well of loneliness. Even the haze of alcohol cannot dull my pain. Is it all meaningless? Am I anything more than a cute face at the local coffeeshop? Why am I cursed with this body, this haircut, this outlook on life? Why won't she return my phone calls? Is manslaughter punishable by capital punishment in the state of Massachusetts? Where do we go when we die? Who can help? I just can't figure it out.

-Existential Undergraduate of the Pioneer Valley

Dear EUPV,

In times like these, it can be helpful to turn to the annals of history for an uplifting precedent. Galileo's head was on the block (the crime was looking up for truth), and as the bombshells of my daily fears explode, I try to trace them to my youth. And then you had to bring up reincarnation over a couple of beers the other night, and now i'm serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime.

How long till my soul gets it right? Could any human being ever reach that kind of light? I call on the resting soul of Galileo, king of night vision, king of insight.

Yours, metaphysically,
Lesbian Singer-Songwriter

Dear Lesbian Singer-Songwriter,

Hey, I've enjoyed your columns and have been meaning to write in for a while.

My worker-owned farming co-op had a bumper crop this year and I was wondering if you have any good recipes for using organic apples.

Thanks babe,
Bobbi

Dear Bobbi,

I think I'm going for a walk now. I feel a little unsteady. I don't want nobody to follow me, 'cept maybe you. I could make you happy you know, if you weren't already. I could do a lot of things, and I do.

Tell you the truth, I prefer the worst of you. Too bad you had to have a better half. She's not really my type, but i think you two are forever, and I hate to say it but you're perfect together.

So fuck you and your untouchable face, and fuck you for existing in the first place. And who am I that I should be vying for your touch, and who am I? I bet you can't even tell me that much.

Yours, bitterly,
Lesbian Singer-Songwriter

Dear Lesbian Singer-Songwriter,

I have just found out that my wife of eight years is having an affair with a co-worker (mine, not hers). I feel betrayed, abandoned, and terribly alone. What did I do wrong? Am I the only one to feel this way? Furthermore, we have two children, and I believe that they should grow up with both their father and mother. Should I stay with my wife for the sake of the children? Can I ever trust her again? Or should I leave her and set out to create a new life for myself?

-Where Did The Good Go?
WDTGG

Dear WDTGG,

I think you should know that you could simply tell your wife, "I'm sorry that I left you with your questions all alone, but I was too happy driving and too angry to drive home. I was thinking about the easy courage of my distant friends. They said I could let this bridge wash out and never make amends."

Can you blow this small town, make a big sound, like the star of a film noir postcard? Can you just forget the frames you shared with her? And can you believe what they're saying? They're saying you can change my mind, start over on Spring Street, that you're welcome anytime.

Yours, closer to fine,
Lesbian Singer-Songwriter

Dear Lesbian Singer-Songwriter,

I was happily married to my husband for eight years, but over the past year have been having an affair with a co-worker (my husband's, not mine.) My husband has just found out. I have been struggling with my feelings of desire, constant craving, and a love like that which I have never known, versus my responsibilities and my place in society as a wife and mother. I still care deeply for my husband but have no romantic feelings toward him. Also, we have two young children whom I love very much. Should I stay with my husband for the sake of the children, or leave him to follow my true love, identity, and desire?

-In Love, In Des Moines, But Not At Peace
ILIDBNAP

Dear ILIDMBNAP,

It seems to me that this is a story of burning bridges and allowing time to pass. This is a story of forgiveness and breaking things in my hands. This is a story of understanding you can't choose who you love, and this is a story of soft skin and rats in the walls. Well, you can't just pass along the pain that comes around. You'll go dizzy until you fall and I know you didn't mean to let me down but you let me down so hard.

Some fantasies are never meant to be realized at all, and some regrets could be prevented if you read the writing on the wall. And sometimes you say you know nothing can happen, and then she leans over and lifts off your glasses. And the next thing you know you're just tangled and guilty and you've got a head full of liquor and perfume. Oh, and when did you leave me, and when did you find her and tell me is this just what you wanted?

Yours, sorrowfully,
Lesbian Singer-Songwriter

Introducing: Ask a Lesbian Singer-Songwriter

Do you have questions? Problems? In-laws, republican co-workers, exes who are stalking you, exes whom you are stalking? Awkward life situations leaving you totally vulnerable to the well-meant advice of close friends and absolute strangers? Do you wish there was someone you could talk to about it? Have you found yourself wondering whether anyone has every experienced what you're going though?

Fear not. It is absolutely guaranteed that a Lesbian Singer-Songwriter has been there before you, and she has probably written a folk-rock song about it.

This advice column represents a melding of the sciences and humanities in an attempt to combine the wisdom of our many Lesbian Singer-Songwriter luminaries and synthesize them into an ur-Lesbian Singer-Songwriter, greater in scope and lyrical bitterness even than Melissa Etheridge and k. d. lang (combined), who can infallibly provide the comfort and advice you are looking for at this difficult time. She awaits your inquiries with a well-tuned acoustic guitar and a scuffed pair of Doc Martens. Ask away.