Dear Lesbian Singer-Songwriter,

Hey, I've enjoyed your columns and have been meaning to write in for a while.

My worker-owned farming co-op had a bumper crop this year and I was wondering if you have any good recipes for using organic apples.

Thanks babe,
Bobbi

Dear Bobbi,

I think I'm going for a walk now. I feel a little unsteady. I don't want nobody to follow me, 'cept maybe you. I could make you happy you know, if you weren't already. I could do a lot of things, and I do.

Tell you the truth, I prefer the worst of you. Too bad you had to have a better half. She's not really my type, but i think you two are forever, and I hate to say it but you're perfect together.

So fuck you and your untouchable face, and fuck you for existing in the first place. And who am I that I should be vying for your touch, and who am I? I bet you can't even tell me that much.

Yours, bitterly,
Lesbian Singer-Songwriter